You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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