if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
