FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
