probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
