he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize