someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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