I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize