Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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