:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
