either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He shit in the fireplace
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
