I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
