Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It was like getting head from an anaconda
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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