Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
