The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.