remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming