just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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