I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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