she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
