upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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