I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
