ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
