The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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