Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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