I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
