Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
