he shaved USA in his pubs
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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