he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
