I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
