Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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