A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
