I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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