when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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