There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
