Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
