hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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