It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You are the jesus of drinking
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
