I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
