you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She needs sedatives and a leash
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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