Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
YAS. BRING CRAB.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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