I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
