Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
