i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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