you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
