Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
