we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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