3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
