I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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