Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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