the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he puts the penis in happiness.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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