All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She even gives head with a lisp.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
