Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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