I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
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He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
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It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.