Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
