Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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