Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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