he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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