dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just want to make out with him forever
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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