Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
