3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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